*taps mic* Is this thing on? I would like to introduce myself for all the new folks out there:
Hello. My name is Kiersten and I just had my first milkshake in 15+ years. The last time I had a milkshake I was a teenager, sitting at a Johnny Rockets on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. I don’t remember what it tasted like or whether I enjoyed drinking it. All I remember is that little voice inside my head telling me that I should feel guilty and hate myself for having that milkshake…for enjoying food at all…for even attempting to live a normal life that allowed for things like vacations and milkshakes. That voice said I didn’t deserve those things and that the only reasonable thing to do would be to punish myself later. Punishment usually came in the shape of cutting down on calories (or skipping entire meals), getting extra exercise to “make up” for the food I had, and even the occasional purge. Until justice was served, I’d obsess over whatever I ate and whether or not I’d gained weight from it.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is not normal or healthy behavior. This is what life looks like when your eating disorder is in control. Now, after nearly two decades of letting my ED play puppet master, I’m cutting the strings.
Am I close to being “free” yet? No. Not even close.
…but I’m taking it one step, one meal at a time.